Everyone's carrying something. I even read a book once with that as its title, more or less. My husband always reminds me that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. That's as true in my life as in anyone else's. And I do wonder about pulling back that curtain, even a bit. Is it an invasion of my kids' privacy, of my husband's, or even of my own?
But I also wonder if pulling back that curtain--putting it "out there" in a way--might not serve some useful purpose. The same way I read of other people's painful experiences and can empathize, perhaps there is something in my experience(s) that rings true for someone else. And in that truth might lie a point of connection, a drawing out from the isolation that those who have really challenging parenting roads often live with.
And sometimes, the absurdities of life just need to be shared.
Late last week, I was on my way back from my stint at a local food pantry. It's a long, tiring day, one that doesn't leave time (save for the ten minutes or so for lunch) to check in at home. And that day, I'd left my daughter home with my autistic son. They can and do get on each other's nerves, but it's never really been an issue.
Close to home, I got a call from my daughter. She sounded upset, but on the other side of whatever it was that seemed to have her close to tears. I told her I'd be home in a few minutes. She told me that her dad had just walked in. Where he found her in a chokehold, courtesy of her brother. I'm not sure how she managed to call, but he had a good hold on her, according to my husband. Thankfully, she remained calm. Because when my son gets stuck, his strength is something to be hold. His long, lean arms become like bendable steel beams. If he wants to hold you, you are not breaking his hold. I should know. When he's gotten upset with me at times, not knowing how to channel his feelings, he's squeezed me--really, really tightly--and it's been frightening. He's feeling adrenaline coursing through his body and he doesn't know in those moments what to do with it, how to channel it. He knows hitting is wrong, so he comes very close to the line, but struggles mightily not to cross it. And it's the rest of us that get caught in that struggle. This time, it was my daughter.
When we can't get my son unstuck, when we can't talk him off the ledge, we have to resort to what we call his "emergency meds." We've done that precious few times thankfully, but it's a scary, tense experience when we're in those moments with him and have no other recourse.
Years ago, I called the psychiatrist who provided the basic meds he was taking, during one of these "stuck" episodes. I think I was most amazed that I actually got the doctor on the phone. He told me that we should take my son to the ER. I told my husband we couldn't do that, that all they would do is physically restrain and then sedate him. And all we would have done is traumatize him. So we muddled through, terrified, until we finally calmed him down.
Some time later, when I took my son to his epilepsy doctor and recounted that episode, he was horrified that the psychiatrist offered us nothing. He immediately consulted a psychiatrist colleague of his and got us a prescription for what turned out to be an anti-psychotic medication. I have husbanded that medication like a precious jewel. I keep it hidden, to make sure no one takes it by mistake. And to remind myself that it is truly for emergencies only.
My older sister came over the other night with her husband for drinks and snacks. In the course of catching up, I mentioned that my husband had come home to find my daughter in a chokehold. I saw this strange look cross my sister's face. It was something--at least to my reading--like a cross between horror, embarrassment, and relief. Horror speaks for itself. Embarrassment I think is about not knowing how to help. And relief, of course, is about not having this be her parenting journey.
I made light of it because really, what else could I do? If you're not walking this walk, you have no idea. And if you are--even in the midst of a pandemic, and in the midst of the uprising against police brutality--you know that it's not only people who have brutal encounters with the police who wind up in chokeholds.
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