I know I'm not the only parent of an autistic child who is curious, if not desperate, to unlock the vault of our child's mind and get answers to all those questions that have gone unanswered for us, from the trivial to the profound. The pandemic, given how it's thrown us all together for such a long, unbroken period, has left me thinking a bit more than usual about what I might want to know, if I could get those answers. Here's my radically incomplete list of questions I'd love to know the answer to, if my son were able or willing to tell me:
Why if you hear me say out loud that you're autistic, do you always respond that you're not?
Do you understand what you're saying when you say that you hate telling the truth?
What are you seeing, if anything, when you cock your head sideways and your eyes seem to be looking intently at something off in the distance?
Do you dream at night? If so, what do you dream about?
Do you ever feel sad?
Is there anything you're afraid of?
Do you miss not having friends?
Do you mean it when you say that you want to hit your sister?
What does love mean to you?
Who do you think will take care of you when you're my age?
When you say that you have a secret and that it's that you can't ski alone, is that your only secret?
Do you always pepper us with Sesame Street or Barney-related speech because that's what's important to you, and that's what you feel you understand the most?
When you tell daddy or me not to be angry with you, are you afraid of something, or do you just think you try hard to be happy and good, and that that should be enough?
Do you understand why we sometimes get frustrated with you?
Do you think it's appropriate for you still to be snuggling with me before you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning? Is that just a longstanding habit, or is it a physical/emotional need you're trying to satisfy?
Do you know how much daddy and I love you?
Do you know how much we worry about you?
Do you love us?
Do you worry about us?
Do you ever cry?
What kind of future would you like to have?
Do you get scared when we leave you alone with the dogs to go out for a bite to eat?
Are you afraid of people out in the world who aren't like you?
Are you afraid of people who are like you?
Are you happy?
Do you miss us when you're away from us?
Do you love your brother more than your sister? Or vice versa?
Is the world confusing to you? Is it scary?
Do you feel different from the rest of us?
Do you notice when people stare at you on the street?
Do you still talk about Maya because you have a special feeling for her? Was she a girl you loved?
Do you wish you had a girlfriend?
What would be a perfect day for you?
Do you ever think about things like marriage or having children of your own?
What are you most proud of?
What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
Do you feel smart?
Are you upset by what you don't understand?
What's hardest for you?
What do you wish we knew about you?
Are you glad you were born into our family?
Why do you always want to put your cold hands or feet on me?
What are you feeling when you have headaches?
Are there things you wish you knew how to do?
Do you think we've been good parents?
If you could answer one of these questions, which one would it be?
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